(Satire)

The Risk-Monger managed to sit down with Doug Zealert at the global headquarters of the Environmental Justice Alliance to discuss the NGO’s recently launched campaign to ban the cultivation, sale and consumption of apricots. What follows is the transcript from our interview.

Risk-Monger: Good morning Doug. Why is the Environmental Justice Alliance campaigning to ban apricots – to “transition” the fruit from all farming, processing and consumption – by 2030.

Doug Zealert: We need to transition away from unsustainable food production and apricots, according to a study we funded with academics who share our values, are one of the most environmentally destructive fruits presently grown. It uses more pesticides than many other fruits (just have a look at the recent Pesticide Action Network fruit ranking where 75% of the apricots tested had toxic pesticide residues), has a lower yield compared to other crops, with only a 13-25 tonne yield per hectare (a poor ratio at a time when land-use has become an important climate issue and we need to rewild at least 25% of agricultural land), and is highly perishable (often packed with toxic polystyrene and shipped via refrigerated transport). This also increases the amount of food waste with a large percentage of apricot production rotting in sorting centres and store shelves. Apricots are one of the first fruits to blossom and in northern climates, where late frosts are a common risk, farmers often burn used, toxic tyres through the nights to try to save their crops. The environmental destruction from apricot production is rife.

As we must make agriculture more sustainable, hard decisions have to be made. By banning the production and consumption of apricots, we can start to reduce our environmental impact. It is quite simple really, we can do without this fruit and alternatives exist. The abandoned apricot orchard land can be returned to nature and those new forests can help us combat global warming. It is really the only way.

Risk-Monger: But can’t the apricot value chain take these points into consideration and introduce more sustainable production standards like intercropping, green packaging, organic farming…?

Doug Zealert: This is an industry and the key objective, demonstrated at all levels along the apricot value chain, has been to maximise profits and exploit nature, labour and consumers. Because of the heavy dependence on pesticides, real organic farming methods for apricots is impossible. These industry farmers cannot be trusted so the only solution is to force them out of business.

And the social destruction is significant. The main apricot production regions are in Turkey and Chile. Child labour in the agricultural sector has been widely reported in Turkey with several cases of children who have been killed in accidents while working in apricot orchards. There are stories of human rights abuses of Syrian migrants forced to harvest the apricots. The apricot industry in Chile has a long history of poor working conditions, affecting women in particular. You cannot fix these problems unless radical measures are taken.

Risk-Monger: I understand … but apricots, as a fruit, contributes to a healthy diet, doesn’t it?

Doug Zealert: Certainly not. Apricot kernels, the seeds inside the pits, contain high levels of cyanide. According to an EFSA report, the level of cyanide in just half a kernel is enough to kill a toddler. It is our children we need to put first at all times (and we really cannot if such a toxic substance is present in our homes). Then there are the high levels of pesticide residues on the fruit and in the water supplies. We need to invoke the precautionary principle and ban this fruit completely. It is the only logical conclusion.

Apricots, furthermore, are widely used in jams and dried fruits where a large amount of sugars, additives and chemical stabilisers are added. It is a processed food. This is needlessly contributing to the obesity epidemic, increasing the risk of diabetes, cancers and heart disease that has reached crisis levels in the West. Apricots are anything but healthy. I should also mention our campaign enjoys the full support of the World Health Organization and other UN bodies where apricot farmers have been included in their list of “Health Harming Industries“.

Risk-Monger: But aren’t you leaving your NGO open to charges of denying consumers the choice to enjoy foods that give them pleasure?

Doug Zealert: As a civil society organisation, we at the Environmental Justice Alliance have empowered ourselves to speak on behalf of the public. We know what the public needs and while industry marketing and lobbying may try to deceive them, tempt them and exploit them, we see it as our role to make the best choices for them, for their health and for the environment.

People can be stupid and gullible so we will take the lead by changing regulations, informing them of the facts they need to know and putting the industries that are exploiting them out of business. This is part of a larger political battle, a war some would say, between industry and capitalists on one side against the people and the freedom to live safely from these destructive forces. And as representatives of the people, we will prevail. We are driven, passionate and will do whatever it takes for Mother Nature to succeed over Father Profit.

Risk-Monger: But how can you possibly ban a popular fruit, grown and consumed for centuries?

Doug Zealert: People used to say that about tobacco. Because everyone smoked cigarettes, they said there was no way to introduce restrictions or get many people to stop. But we succeeded and now we see how public health is improving. It is our responsibility, as activists, to save lives and the planet. If something is unsafe, unhealthy and unfair, then social justice will prevail against the special interests and big money of industry lobbyists, polluters and poisoners. The world is waiting for a heroic group that has the courage to stand up to the polluters and defend nature, workers and public health. I’m proud to say the Environmental Justice Alliance is answering the call.

Risk-Monger: A large part of the world will continue to harvest and consume apricots. How will you deal with the risk of black markets and apricot smugglers?

Doug Zealert: This campaign will run parallel to our “Stop Toxic Tourism” campaign. We hope that once we succeed in banning apricots, and there will be far fewer tourists allowed to travel, there will be fewer people buying apricots in countries like Turkey or Chile and smuggling them into Western countries.

In any case, we have launched this as a global campaign and we fully expect that tariffs and trade embargoes will help in convincing other countries, especially those where Big Apricot has a significant lobby interest, to fall in line and join the global ban. We aim to complete the transition to an apricot-free world by 2030. We have developed a lot of tools to help enable global transitions, and our network of former colleagues now working within the various United Nations offices, and many global foundations, will help accelerate the process.

Risk-Monger: Your campaign launch was quite extravagant, with a large media engagement, advertisements, a strategic activist NGO alliance, celebrity influencers, events and stunts in major world capitals. Who is funding this campaign?

Doug Zealert: The Environmental Justice Alliance receives funding from a large number of concerned citizens and foundations working to protect the environment and public health. Running a global alliance of NGOs, scientists, academic institutions, influencers and journalists to fight a strong industry lobbying force like the World Federation of Apricot Growers involves a more complicated structure and a fiscal sponsor to manage the financial support. Journalists need funding in order to be trained on how to report on our information against the food industry. Editors, like those at The Guardian, now demand “charitable donations” in order to publish articles from our writers on these issues. We need lobbyists, communications consultants and social media influencers to keep the fear levels at the max in order to motivate our drive for change. We need a team of lawyers to tie the industry and regulators up in courts until they bow to our will. It is very difficult to organise a campaign today with so many partners and networks but we at the Environmental Justice Alliance are good at what we do.

Risk-Monger: One of the key foundations supporting your fiscal sponsor, “ApriCash”, the fiscal consultants behind the financing of this campaign, the NGOs, consultancies and the many journalists and media groups that have been reporting for you, is the Lex Luthor Family Trust. It offers donor-advised funds where interest groups can donate to the foundation, having their money then earmarked for your fiscal sponsor, ApriCash. In the name of transparency, could you please disclose which groups are donating to the LLFT to fund this campaign to ban apricots?

Doug Zealert: You are the only person to have ever asked me that question. Non-profits do not need to respect transparency regulations because, as citizen groups, we are trusted by the public. Don’t you understand that, unlike industry, we don’t have conflicts of interest. We also need to protect the anonymity of those groups donating to the LLFT. For the record though, we are not working directly with the peach industry and retain the right to not support their recent marketing campaigns to promote peach consumption as an alternative to apricots. In any case, once again, the Environmental Justice Alliance receives funding from a large number of concerned citizens and foundations working to protect the environment and public health. That is all you need to know.

Risk-Monger: You are also coordinating your actions with tort lawyers who are presently suing apricot farmers, are you not? Didn’t one of your paid “journalists” recently leak confidential discovery documents that tort lawyers “left on her doorstep” on what the apricot industry knew about the health risks from apricot consumption?

Doug Zealert: Lawyers are seeking justice for the thousands of plaintiffs who have been victims of a corrupt, heartless industry willing to poison them and their neighbourhoods for profit. We are merely aligned with them in a common cause to seek justice against the apricot industry. Where we can help to inform the public as to what is really going on, where we can participate in achieving regulatory change and where we can transition to a world without apricots, any groups who support the Environmental Justice Alliance are welcome.

Risk-Monger: Are you receiving funding from tort lawyers via the Lex Luthor Family Trust?

Doug Zealert: We need to protect the anonymity of those groups donating to the LLFT. And any donations we receive have no influence on the decisions we make. Unlike industry actors who live by their lies, you can trust us. In any case, once again for the record, the Environmental Justice Alliance receives funding from a large number of concerned citizens and foundations working to protect the environment and public health. We are committed to making the world a better place!

Risk-Monger: Will you stop this campaign once apricots are banned?

Doug Zealert: Of course not. Next on the list will be cherries and table grapes – both have similar profiles and challenges for real sustainability. I am really quite surprised that the other fruit lobby groups are not pulling together to defend their sector. They know we will not stop at apricots which is simply, excuse the pun, the low hanging fruit. Our long-term goal is to remove all sugars from our diet – it is killing humanity and the environment.

We need to understand how transition campaigning is a continuous process until we reach the perfect world, and that, sadly, probably won’t happen in my lifetime. We developed a middle school programme to train the next generation of activists, and, importantly, we have developed textbooks and cartoons to inform primary school children on the truths and burdens they will one day inherit from our corrupt, late-stage capitalist system. The teachers have been very supportive of our campaign for social and environmental justice. We have also invested heavily in promoting a network of child leaders and teen influencers. They are now running social media campaigns telling the world how virtuous they are, for example, in boycotting apricots. They are very good at delivering our clear, simple messages and have unlimited energy and emotion. … and the media loves them.

Developing these global grassroots organisations is an essential part of a long-term process to change the values in our post-industrial battles against those who only want profit, pleasure and exploitation. But it will take time (and money).

Risk-Monger: And thank you very much, Doug, for your time (and for supporting my operations). Do you have any last words?

Doug Zealert: It is my pleasure to bring a group like yours into our network. We need all the help we can get as we fund an alliance to win this campaign to make the world a better (apricot-free) place.

As for my last word, please don’t get me wrong. The Environmental Justice Alliance doesn’t hate farmers and consumers. In fact, I love eating apricots. But we all have to do our bit to save the planet and this is the easiest first step. Sacrifice may be hard at first, but it can be quite liberating and self-fulfilling.

RM note: I created an organisation called the Environmental Justice Alliance to use as a satirical model of various campaign groups. I did not realise that there are groups using this name with a parked or protected website: https://environmentaljusticealliance.org/, or the California Environmental Justice Alliance, New York City Environmental Justice Alliance, the Climate Justice Alliance … the list of these NGOs is endless. My parody group is not connected to these groups, nor to the Lex Luthor Family Trust (who may or may not be supporting these people).

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